


I found a reason (And suddenly I'm not so alone)

by hawksmagnolia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), Happy Ending, Not Canon Compliant, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Redeemed Ben Solo, Slow Burn, TROS? New phone who dis, True Love, force skype
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:13:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22167664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawksmagnolia/pseuds/hawksmagnolia
Summary: Multichapter fic, with alternating POV between Ben and Rey. (Set post TLJ because I'm still salty about TROS and I've taken liberties such as Luke not being dead.) Ben and Rey's relationship grows stronger despite the distance and the ever present threat of the First Order.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	1. We didn't speak but I read your mind

**Author's Note:**

> So, so much love and gratitude to my amazing beta WonderWoman593.  
> Couldn't do this without you.

[ ](https://ibb.co/KhHs6s5)

_"I'm not myself_  
_I'm not myself when you're around, no_  
_Can't be helped_  
_We are insane, that's just the way it goes."_

_\- 'why are you here' : Machine Gun Kelly_

** On board the Millennium Falcon: Rey **

Rey stood miserably in her quarters of the Falcon. She’d managed to wash the majority of the grime from her body but she felt like her heart was breaking. She knew after she’d closed that hatch door that it wasn’t fury that she had seen. It was anguish. It was the feeling of abandonment. She knew Ben thought she was no better than anyone else in his life, she had left him behind.

Unbidden tears rolled down her cheeks as she clutched Han’s dice. She had stolen them when she’d left Ach-To intending to give them to Leia. But she couldn’t help selfishly wanting to keep the link to Han, to Ben. Setting them on her bed, she reached into the hidden pocket of her leggings and pulled out a long strip of black fabric. It had ripped from Ben’s tunic during their fight with the Praetorian Guard in Snoke’s throne room. She’d clutched it during the fight and then tucked it into her wrist guard. Now she ran the rough fabric over her fingers, wondering why he had chosen a fabric so similar to Jedi robes. She brought it to her nose and inhaled, hoping for some link to him. She faintly smelled sweat, the ozone tang of light saber and beneath that, the smell that was distinctly him. Tears threatening again, she slowly wrapped the fabric around her wrist. She wanted to keep it close to her and no one would ask about it there. She tied it off and rolled her wrist to make sure it was secure but not too tight. She reached to get the blanket to wrap around her self but stopped suddenly.

Rey felt the thrum in her chest and heard the sounds outside her cabin fade out. The chatter of others, the sounds of the Falcon hurtling through space…gone. The lights dimmed and the walls of the quarters faded into nothingness. The silence seemed to encompass her and left her with only the sounds of her breathing in her ears. She clenched her teeth and her fists. She refused to turn around, she was barely dressed in nothing more than a breast band, undershorts and her sheer tunic. Her damp hair was still loose, falling down around her shoulders.

“Not now.” She hissed. She clutched the tunic to her chest as she stared at the wall now in front of her. Recognizing them as Ben’s quarters upon his warship she closed her eyes and prayed to the stars he would listen for once in his damned life. Despite what he claimed, she saw the Solo stubborn streak in him. 

“You’re the one who called me.” His voice was low, controlled. The voice not of Ben, but of Kylo Ren. The modulated one from his helmet. Her heart twisted.

“I. did. not.”

“You did. You opened yourself and pulled.”

“Then why am I in your quarters? If I pulled, you should have come to me.” She glanced sideways, noticing the cold impersonal space that he called his. There was nothing here to represent anything but a dark knight with no face. Some of her resolve to keep him at arms length crumbled. 

“Because I was already thinking of you. I was trying to see you.”

“Why?”

“Why did you leave me?” His voice cracked. It sounded nothing like him, it was sad, even vulnerable. Rey swallowed hard at the emotions clogging her throat. 

“I said not now, Kylo.”

Silence.

“I see. We are back to calling me that.” Anger had replaced the sadness in an instant but she still thought she detected a deep hurt through their bond.

Rey whirled to face him. “Why not?! You’re the one who told me that Ben Solo is dead. That you’re a monster.”

He stared at her, her at him. In that moment, there was nothing but that Force bond. It was almost a tangible heat between them. She felt his heart like it was her own, twin beats living in her chest.

He was almost close enough to touch. He wore the cowl, the mask. There was nothing of Ben Solo there. Nothing except the heartbeat in her chest.

“Take your mask off.”

He paused. “Why?”

“Because I want to see your face if we’re going to argue.”

“Is that what we’re doing?”

She took a step towards him. “I won’t fight you Kylo. I refuse. I will shut this bond down right now.”

He sighed and reached up to the clasps that held the mask in place. With a click he pulled it free of his face and let it drop to the floor with a clank. His coal dark hair was pulled partially back but a few pieces escaped to frame his face. His dark eyes traveled the length of her body before settling on her face. They were red rimmed and bloodshot. He then pulled the heavy cowl off and tossed it to his bed. Before she could ask, he ripped his black leather gloves from his hands and dropped them next to his helmet. He looked defeated. In the moment Rey saw not Kylo Ren, but Ben Solo. Ben, the young boy who felt like he never belonged, who was so lost. Her earlier impressions of his quarters had been correct. Nothing here to represent him except an empty lightsaber rack. Everything was black and stark white. He stood in the middle of it all, a black shadow in a washed out world. Even the bed behind him was spartan, a cot with a mattress and a thin blanket. Nothing else, not even a pillow. Even his room at the Jedi temple had held more than this.

“He needs to be dead.”

“Who?” Rey reached for him but pulled her hand back. Ben noticed and his jaw twitched as he bit down. 

“Ben Solo. He’s useless to me. He needs to be dead.”

Rey took another small step towards him. “He’s not useless. And he doesn’t need to be dead.”

“Why not? I’m…He’s alone.”

“No he’s not! You once told me I wasn’t alone. Neither are you. Ben Solo IS you. Kylo Ren is just the mask you wear. I don’t want Kylo Ren! And neither do you.”

Again, the jaw twitch. He looked away from her. “No. I want Kylo Ren. But clearly you don’t. You left.”

Rey grabbed for his hand. She wasn’t sure if she could even reach him but she tried nonetheless. But instead of nothing, her fingers wrapped around his. His flesh was burning hot against her chilled fingers. He turned back to her, his eyes wide on their joined hands.

“How…How is this possible?” He looked back to her face, his expression a mix between awe and fear. 

“I don’t know!” She tried to pull away and he grasped her wrist. His fingers wrapped completely around it and he pulled her back to him. Inches away from his chest, she could smell him. Leather, ozone and something that was uniquely him. The same scents from the fabric. She looked up into his face for a moment before reaching her trembling other hand to let her fingertips graze his cheek where the scar she had given him puckered the skin. 

“I am so sorry.”

Her eyes stayed on his, his fingertips stroking her wrist. “For?”

“Hurting you.” She carefully traced the scar and he closed his eyes as she did so. 

“I’m used to that.” He muttered bitterly.

“You shouldn’t be. Not from me. I never wanted to hurt you. I was terrified.”

He opened his eyes again. “Which time?” 

“All the time. All of this…it scares me so badly. You’re not the only one who has been hurt, who has been left. If you don’t let people in, they can’t leave.” The tears came again, falling over her cheeks. “I don’t understand why we are connected, why I can feel you right now but I know when you leave it’s going to kill me.”

“You’re stronger than that.” 

“No, I’m not! Not when I’m alone. I’m only strong when I know someone is there to catch me if I fall. I can’t do this alone. And neither can you. We are walking around being half a person most of the time. The only time I feel right is when you are here.” The tears gathering in her eyes spilled over at her last admission, the words coming out even though she didn't understand. 

“I told you aren’t alone.” He cupped her face in his large, warm hand, his thumb brushing the tears away.

“I am! You only want me for what I can offer you. You think I’m going to give up my life just to be your pretty little Dark Empress! But I’m not. I won’t!”

He released her wrist and put his other hand on her face. “Do you really think that all I want from you? For you to be some symbol? To be a battery of power for me to siphon? Do you truly think me to be such a monster?” 

She didn’t answer, didn’t meet his eyes.

He sat back on his bed, his legs apart and he pulled her to stand between them. Rey finally gave in and started to sob. Ben gathered her into his arms and sat her in his lap. She curled herself into his chest, her fingers tightly clinging to his shirt. 

“You’re freezing.” He reached for and yanked the blanket from his bed and wrapped it around her. Her small frame shuddered, both from cold and the overwhelming tide of emotions trapped in her body. She felt him pick her up and carry her into the refresher but she was in no shape to object. She heard the water running and then she was pressed against his naked chest as he sat on the tile under the water. Keeping her eyes mostly closed, she felt herself finally beginning to warm from the hot water and from the heat of his body. She slowly traced her fingertips lightly over the scars she could see on his pale skin. She had only seen him once with no shirt and she’d tried not to stare. Now she could look as much as she wanted. His chest was wide and heavy muscled. Every thing about him was wide and heavily muscled. The heat polling in her belly had nothing to do with the heated water and steam. She loved every moment of her skin being pressed against hers. She felt warm, and safe for the first time in a long time. 

Rey wasn’t sure how long he sat there on the tiles holding her in the warm water. Too soon in her opinion, he turned off the water and pulled them from the hot steam of the refresher. He dried her skin so gently that it was torture for Rey. She desperately wanted him to touch her more. Once she was mostly dry, he wrapped her in his blanket and set her on his bed. The blanket, though thin, smelled just like him, just like the scrap of fabric from his tunic wrapped around her wrist. She was surprised when he hesitated and then gently kissed her forehead before moving across the room. She burrowed down into it while she waited. 

When he emerged a few minutes later, he was wearing only a pair of black pants. Rey didn’t even know that her body could have that kind of response. All she wanted to do was touch every part of him. And she wanted to kiss every scar that marred his flesh. She instead chose to pretend to sleep until he sat on the edge of the bed. He ran his fingers through her hair and she whined when he stopped. She reached her hands out of the blanket, grasping for him. Ben hesitated before laying down next to her. He was laying on his side so she curled into his chest, one hand pressed palm down on his chest and the other tangling into his hair. She opened her eyes partway and smiled up at him. 

“There you are Ben. I told you that you were still in there.” She gave a jaw cracking yawn and slid her hand down his face. He had shaved at some point and his skin was like silk.

“You were right.” He leaned in to kiss her forehead but Rey moved up and pressed her lips against his. She had no clue if she was doing it right but it felt so right. Ben looked slightly stunned before he smiled into their kiss. Satisfied for now, Rey nestled her face into his throat and feigned sleep until Ben wrapped his long arms around her and closed his own eyes. Once his breathing became slow and even, she matched it with her own and was gone. 

When she woke, she was alone in her own bunk on the Falcon. She fought tears, thinking it was just a dream…until she noticed that she was still wrapped in his blanket. She pulled it a little tighter as she curled into a ball, already missing the warmth of his body.


	2. Both telling lies, our alibis didn't work this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's POV of Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love to my other half of the Force Bond WonderWoman593 for being my beta.

_"I'm a demon in the night_

_She's an angel with the white."_

_'why are you here' : Machine Gun Kelly_

**Supreme Leader's Quarters: Ben**

Ben slammed into his quarters, the door hissing shut was not enough to help vent his anger. Instead he slammed his fist through the control panel next to it. Sparks flew in the air, scattering at his feet. Every part of him felt scraped raw as if someone had flayed his skin. He had stood there like a fool as she stared at him before closing the hatch on that damned ship. He hated that ship and everything it stood for. His father had loved the ship more than he had his own son, and now that same ship took away the the only light in his life. He should have known better. In the end, they all leave. In the end, he remains alone.

He stared at the shirt thrown on the bed. He should really throw it into the incinerator, especially since it was torn. A long piece had been severed during the few shining moments when he fought side by side with Rey. When her hand grabbed his hip to balance herself on his back, when she called his name before throwing the light saber. The way she stared up at him, calling his name when Snoke was demanding he kill her. That moment of complete understanding before it all fell apart again. A red hot spike of anger shot through his chest and then the deep yawning abyss of sorrow when he again pictured the hatch of the Falcon closing. 

Unable to contain himself, he closed his eyes and opened the Force bond between them. He had to see that she was okay. Just for a moment. When he felt her reaching, he grabbed her at the same time she grabbed him and pulled.

And with that, everything snapped into place. She stood in front of him, water droplets rolling down the bare skin of her back. Her hair was wet, and only a sheer tunic covered her underthings. Heat punched into his gut and he shoved all thoughts of licking the water from her skin to the far, far back of his mind before she saw it. 

“Not now.” She hissed. She was clutching her arms over her chest. He desperately wanted to touch her. His hands flexed as he went to reach out before catching himself and dropping them back to his sides. 

“You’re the one who called me.” His voice was low, controlled. The voice not of Ben, but of Kylo Ren. The modulated one from his helmet. Thank the stars for that. He was so eager for the sight of her, he forgot he was still in the damn thing. Maybe she wouldn’t notice the catch in his words. The weakness in him. That she was that weakness.

“I. did. not.” She snapped. 

“You did. You opened yourself and pulled.” Ben’s eyes drank in the sight of her. The freckles on her shoulders. The way her muscles moved across her shoulders and back. The way the whisper thin fabric slid over her skin. He was very glad her back was to him lest she see him pining away like a lovesick child.

“Then why am I in your quarters? If I pulled, you should have come to me.” He saw her glance around at his quarters. He felt the pang of sadness that sang across the bond.

“Because I was already thinking of you. I was trying to see you.” Damn. Not what he meant to say. He was distracted by her. He had dreamed of her in his quarters, just not like this. She always came willingly to his bed, to his arms in his dreams. She smiled and lit up the darkness for him. He imagined holding her would be like holding home.

“Why?”

“Why did you leave me?” His voice cracked as he said it. Ben winced, it sounded nothing like Kylo Ren, the face he showed the world, it was sad, even vulnerable. He saw Rey swallow hard at that. 

“I said not now, Kylo.” Ben felt his heart crack. “No, no, no. Please don’t call me that. Please Rey, anything but not that name, ” His brain, their bond was screaming.

Instead he chose silence before answering.

“I see. We are back to calling me that.” He tried to focus on his anger instead of his hurt. Channeling Kylo Ren was harder and harder around her. Ben kept shoving to the front of his mind and calling him a coward.

Rey whirled to face him. “Why not?! You’re the one who told me that Ben Solo is dead. That you’re a monster.”

He stared at her, her at him. In that moment, there was nothing but that Force bond. It was almost a tangible heat between them. He felt her heart like it was his own, twin beats living in his chest.

She was almost close enough for him to touch. He wore the cowl, the mask. There was nothing of Ben Solo there. Ben was deeply hidden behind the layers of Kylo Ren. 

“Take your mask off.”

He paused. “Why?”

“Because I want to see your face if we’re going to argue.”

“Is that what we’re doing?”

She took a step towards him. “I won’t fight you Kylo. I refuse. I will shut this bond down right now.”

He winced again at her calling him by his other name. Sighing he reached up to the clasps that held the mask in place. With a click he pulled it free and let it drop to the floor with a clank. He had pulled part of his hair back before putting his helmet on earlier but some of the shorter strands had escaped the tie and were now clinging to his face. His dark eyes traveled the length of her body before settling on her face. She looked exhausted. Dark circles ringed her eyes and she was pale. He was sure his own red rimmed and bloodshot eyes looked like hers. The wound on her arm was red and angry, she hadn’t even bothered to have it treated yet. He pulled the heavy cowl off and tossed it to his bed. Before she could ask him to, he ripped his black leather gloves from his hands and dropped them next to his helmet. He felt defeated. He knew that in the moment Rey saw not Kylo Ren, but Ben Solo. Ben, the young boy who felt like he never belonged, who loved calligraphy, who was so lost. 

“He needs to be dead.” Ben mumbled unconvincingly.

“Who?” Rey reached for him but pulled her hand back. Ben noticed and his jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth. His whole self was begging her to touch him. 

“Ben Solo. He’s useless to me. He needs to be dead.”

Rey took another small step towards him. “He’s not useless. And he doesn’t need to be dead.” He could smell her now, some kind of citrus scent. He blinked and tried to clear his head. Something about having her this close made it a struggle to stay focused. The earlier anger that had been protecting him was gone, stripped away like his helmet, leaving him alone with his pain.

“Why not? I’m…He’s alone.” Ben winced internally. He was a terrible poker player as a child. Every thought was a note on his face. It had taken years for him to perfect his blank face and then this little scavenger comes along and rips it to shreds. 

“No he’s not! You once told me I wasn’t alone. Neither are you. Ben Solo IS you. Kylo Ren is just the mask you wear. I don’t want Kylo Ren! And neither do you.”

Again, he clenched his teeth. He looked away from her. “No. I want Kylo Ren.” Lies. But clearly you don’t. You left.” Truth. He couldn't lie while she was looking into his eyes that way. 

Rey grabbed for his hand. He stared as her cold fingers wrapped around his larger hand. He felt like he was going to burn her alive. How could her hands be so small? His looked giant, her fingers barely able to wrap around three of his. He turned back to her, his eyes on their joined hands.

“How…How is this possible?” He looked back to her face, his expression a mix between awe and fear. He had never heard of this type of Force power. Even Force projections were intangible and highly dangerous. It had to be some part of the dyad. Stars. He could feel her. 

“I don’t know!” She sounded panicked and tried to pull away. Ben moved his fingers and wrapped them around her small wrist. He drug her back to him, unable to stop himself, unable to let her go. She looked up into his face for a moment before reaching her trembling other hand to let her fingertips graze his cheek where the scar she had given him puckered the skin. 

“I am so sorry.”

His eyes stayed on hers, his fingertips feeling her hammering pulse. “For?”

“Hurting you.” She carefully traced the scar and he closed his eyes as she did so. It felt like she was tracing ice across his flaming hot skin. For the first time since it had happened, the scar wasn’t aching. It was then he noticed the dark fabric wrapped around her wrist. The missing fabric from his shirt. On her. Purposefully.

“I’m used to that.” He muttered bitterly.

“You shouldn’t be. Not from me. I never wanted to hurt you. I was terrified.”

He opened his eyes again. “Which time?” He stared down at her, her dark eyes watching his face. She looked incredibly young and scared and completely honest.

“All the time. All of this…it scares me so badly. You’re not the only one who has been hurt, who has been left. If you don’t let people in, they can’t leave.” The tears came again, falling over her cheeks. “I don’t understand why we are connected, why I can feel you right now but I know when you leave it’s going to kill me.”

“You’re stronger than that.” He scoffed.

“No, I’m not! Not when I’m alone. I’m only strong when I know someone is there to catch me if I fall. I can’t do this alone. And neither can you. We are walking around being half a person most of the time. The only time I feel right is when you are here.”

“I told you aren’t alone.” He cupped her face in his large hand, his thumb brushing the tears away. He wanted to explain that every thing she had just said applied to him too. She was the missing part of him that he had tried to fill with power and it never was enough until he saw her in Takodana. He hadn’t known he had a Rey shaped hole in his soul until that moment.

“I am! You only want me for what I can offer you. You think I’m going to give up my life just to be your pretty little Dark Empress! But I’m not. I won’t!”

He released her wrist and put his other hand on her face. “Do you really think that all I want from you? For you to be some symbol? To be a battery of power for me to siphon? Do you truly think me to be such a monster?” Ben felt his ability to stay distant crack and crumble. If she thought such things, even after everything they’d been through, then there would be no hope for him to ever be redeemed in her eyes and he would be forced to let her go. Permanently. 

She didn’t answer, didn’t meet his eyes.

Ben glanced around the room and finally just sat back on his bed, his legs apart and he pulled her to stand between them. Rey finally gave in and started to sob. Ben gathered her into his arms and sat her in his lap. She curled herself into his chest, her fingers tightly clinging to his shirt. 

“You’re freezing!” He reached for and yanked the blanket from his bed and wrapped it around her. Her small frame shuddered and he wasn’t sure if it was the cold or the emotions. He knew he ran hot body temperature wise but he wasn’t sure if it would be enough. He noticed even her fingertips and lips were a bit blue. He stood up, her still in his arms and carried her across the room and into the refresher. Holding her in one arm, he reached in and hit the buttons until the hot water kicked on and steam began to fill the small shower area. He kicked off his boots and pulled the blanket off of her. She mumbled incoherently. Still cradling her in his arms, he ducked under the hot water and moved to sit on the floor. It was not a large space and he was a large man so it wasn’t the most comfortable experience but he knew it was the fastest way to get her body temperature up. He reached behind himself and yanked his shirt over his head and tossing the sodden fabric aside. He pulled off her tunic, leaving her in just her breast band and undershorts. He put her against his bare chest and held her there while the hot water pounded around them.

Ben wasn’t sure how long he sat there on the tiles holding Rey. He waited until her skin turned a bright pink before turning off the shower. He grabbed a towel and dried her off before wrapping her back in his blanket and putting her in his bed. For the first time he could remember, he wished he had a better bed. She deserved more than this utilitarian bunk. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he ducked back into the refresher to dry himself off and peel off his soaked pants. He emerged a few minutes later wearing a plain pair of black pants and barefoot. Rey was sleeping quietly on his bunk and he sat down on the edge and brushed his hand over her hair. She made a whining noise and reached for him. Ben hesitated before laying down next to her. He lay on his side as she curled into his chest, one hand pressed palm down on his chest and the other tangling into his hair. She opened her eyes partway and smiled up at him. 

“There you are Ben. I told you that you were still in there.” She gave a jaw cracking yawn and slid her hand down his face. 

“You were right.” He leaned in to kiss her forehead but Rey moved up and pressed her lips against his. Ben was stunned. His brain simply stopped working because all the blood flow in his body immediately went south. He shifted his hips away from her but she nestled her face into his throat and fell back asleep. Ben wrapped his long arms around her and closed his own eyes.

When he opened them, she was gone. He had almost convinced himself it was a dream…until he saw his soaked clothing and her tunic, still laying in a heap on the ‘fresher floor. He reached down and picked up the sheer fabric and pressed it to his face. 

[](https://ibb.co/KhHs6s5)


	3. Gods know I can't fix you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor beta has been too slammed with real life responsibilities and I'm impatient so I'm posting this anyways. Please forgive me.

[](https://ibb.co/BztcRSH)   


_“Woken by the window_  
_and I'm reminded_  
_that my thoughts under my pillow_  
_containing memories of the_  
_places where we could have been_  
_if it were up to me_  
_I guess that all your promises_  
_were just my fantasies.”_

_‘Quit You’ : Lost Kings_

**Rey: Ahch-To**

“Ah! Ughn! Get! Out! Of! My! Head!”

Rey swung her staff in an arc and cracked it against the shoulder of the training dummy she had constructed from wood and straw. Sweat dripped from her brow and soaked her clothing. She was breathless and her muscles burned. She’d been at it for several hours, trying to force the memories to the back of her brain. Or at least get them to a point where she wasn’t wishing for him so much. She knew she was playing with fire, that this whole thing with Ben was dangerous. He was still First Order and she was still Resistance. Neither of them were willing to give up their lives. It was useless. Worse than useless, it was hopeless. She wasn’t even sure what they had. She had never had anyone to set an example for her.

She still wore the black cloth on her wrist though. His blanket was still a source of comfort though she kept it neatly hidden in her hut, not wanting to answer questions on how she got it. She slept under it every night, still trying to find that safety he had given her that night. She dreaded the day it stopped smelling of him. But at least, for now, she could find some small part of him in the fibers.

Chewie looked on from nearby, swatting half heartedly at porgs who kept jumping into his lap. He grumped about the tiny avians but Rey had seen him napping more than once with them nested into his fur. When she took a break from her practice he called to her. Rey’s Shyriiwook wasn’t the best but she’d gotten a decent grasp of it with practice.

He gestured to the blackened wood she’d used to make a head. “Small cub, that’s not going to stop you the missing of nephew cub.”

Rey winced. She sometimes forgot that the big Wookiee still considered Ben his nephew. She was also embarrassed at being caught about her feelings. “I’m sorry Chewie. He just got into my head and I can’t get him out.”

Chewie shrugged. “Happens. Saw this when Han was saying no about the Princess. When planning on going back?”

Rey swallowed at the casual mention of Han and Leia’s courtship. “I don’t know Chewie. I’m sorry to keep you away. Maybe I should stay away a little while longer. I think I need more time. Master Luke says…”

Chewie made a rude noise and gesture at the mention of Luke. “That old hermit not be giving anyone advice.”

“I heard that, you big fleabag.” Luke strolled down the stone steps and stopped to cross his arms over his chest. He eyed Rey’s dummy before raising an eyebrow at her. After the battle on Crait, Master Luke seemed lighter. Less tense. He’d even cut his hair and beard down from the cranky recluse to a more respectable length. He wouldn’t speak of what had happened as the Resistance had escaped through the tunnels except to say he had looked into the face of hope.

She twisted away from them and resumed her stance, turning her eyes from the Jedi and the Wookiee. She slammed the staff into the chest of the dummy and then turned and thrust to knock the head loose.

Chewbacca and Luke shared a look before Luke called to her again.

“Rey.”

She turned back around but kept her eyes on the toes of her boots. “Yes Master Luke?”

“I think you’ve done enough physical practice today. Perhaps you’d feel better if you go spend some times at the caves.” She opened her mouth to argue but he raised an eyebrow and gestured towards the meditation caves.

Rey sighed and slung her staff onto her back. “Yes, Master Luke.” With a flick of her hand, she sent the Force at the dummy hard enough to send the ‘head’ spinning off. She stomped off towards the beach caves.

Chewbacca looked back to Luke. “This will be one of two ways.”

Luke nodded. “You’re right. They’ll either save each other or kill each other. It’s like watching Han and Leia all over again only with more Solo stubborn and Rey’s feral temper. Let’s hope for the first option. Come on, I’ll let you beat me in Dejarik.”

Chewie snorted. “You cheat.”

Luke leveled a look at the big Wookiee and clapped him on the shoulder. “So do you, old man.”

****  
Rey shifted again and again but couldn’t get comfortable. Her muscles ached from her rigorous exercises the last few days, the rocks kept jabbing into her thighs. She had never been particularly good at meditation, she often found it difficult to silence her mind. Today was harder than usual, her mind going back to being in the ‘fresher with Ben. Her skin pressed against his as the hot water ran down over them. Her mouth pressed against his when she’d shocked both of them by kissing him. She sighed a little bit at that. Her first kiss would be with someone she should hate. Even thinking about it caused that heat in her belly and the feeling of longing to see him, to touch him. Frustrated, she shoved herself up and walked towards the beach. It was a rare day on Ach-To, brilliantly sunny where the ocean crashed into the rocks spraying rainbows across the air. Standing at the mouth of the cave, she toed off her boots and stripped off her training tunic, leaving her just in her breast band. Walking barefoot across the water smoothed rocks to the water’s edge, she relished the feeling of the sun on her bare shoulders. Growing up on a desert planet had given Rey no chance to learn to swim but she liked the feeling of the icy water on her feet and ankles. She kicked the water into a pretty arc and then swung down into a crouched pose. She used the Force to manipulate the water, creating swirls and sending droplets spinning, turning them into tiny prisms. She jumped, turning herself in the air, creating a dance of girl and water. When no one was looking, Rey loved being able to turn the Force into something beautiful. It didn’t have to be something used only for destruction or in moments in the heat of battle. She spun, bare toes pointed as she did.

She landed with a splash and laughed out loud. For the moment, she was able to release all the confusion and pain, reveling in the simple joy. She was so caught up in that joy that she didn’t initially feel the Force bond snap into place.

“Rey?” His voice was curious and little bit surprised.

She spun so fast that she lost control of the water and it dropped suddenly. Wiping the stinging water from her eyes, she blinked at what she saw.

Ben stood there, staring at her as if he’d never seen her before. He wasn’t in his Kylo Ren gear, instead in a pair of skintight black pants with his boots and a loose fitting black sweater. His hair was slightly wild and completely loose around his face. He looked sleep rumpled and so much younger like this. Rey’s eyes went to his mouth before she realized it.

She licked the salt from her lips and made herself look at his eyes. “Ben.”

The two of them stood there as the bond between them roared to life. She took a step towards him as he did the same.

“Are you here?”

“I think so..” He tilted his face up to let the sun shine on it. She watched the light play across the planes of his face and part of her wanted to kiss every part of it.

“Did…I call you?” She asked. She knew she had desperately wanted to see him despite her hours of attempting to not think about him.

“No…this time I came looking for you.” The Bond hummed in response.

“Why did it take you so long?” She absently rubbed her sternum, right where she felt the Bond the most.

“What?”

She took another step, decreasing the distance again. “Why did you wait so long to look for me? It’s been three days.”

He stepped. “I did try. I couldn’t get through. I..I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

Step. “I didn’t. At first. But…I missed you. But I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

He was within arms reach of her. “You should know better by now.” He reached for her hands and laced his fingers through his. He ran his thumb over the black fabric still wrapped around her wrist.

She looked down at their joined hands. “I thought…I did something wrong.” She allowed him to pull her closer to him.

“What could you have done wrong?” Ben was incredulous. He dropped her hands in surprise.

She turned her face up to look into his. “When I kissed you.” She blushed scarlet and dropped her eyes again. “I didn’t know if I did it ri…”

Ben cut her off by putting his hands on her face and tilting it up to his. He slid his thumb over her lips. He glanced around and then in one swift movement, swept her into his arms and carried her bridal style over to where the rocky beach gave way to sand. Rey clung to his neck, afraid he would drop her onto the rocks.

Instead, he sat on the ground and turned her to face him, her legs on either side of his waist while she sat on his legs. She just blinked at him because she unable to form words.

“You did nothing wrong.”

She blushed again, feeling the heat slip across her face. “That doesn’t mean I did anything right.” Rey issued a small plea for the earth to open up and swallow her whole before she died of embarrassment.

He sighed and leaned back on his hands. “Rey. If I hadn’t wanted you to do it, do you think I would be here? That we would be here.” He gestured around them.

Rey shifted on his lap instead of answering. Ben got a strange look on his face and he sat up, hands going back on her waist.

“I understand. It’s a lot. No one wants a broken man. No one wants to get involved with…all this” he paused and then gestured again, this time at himself. “I regret nothing you’ve done. Nothing. Because in the end, it always brings me back to you. And you back to me. If I only have this for a heartbeat then I’ll take it. I would rather have happiness for now than never to know it at all.”

Rey stared at him while he spoke, her eyes never leaving his face. She reached up and pushed some of his hair behind his ear. She didn’t know how to respond, didn’t know what words to use.

Ben suddenly tensed. “I can’t stay. I wish I could…but I can’t. If this is discovered…”

“I know. I’m nobody and you’re the Supreme Leader.” Rey said bitterly as she stood.

Ben stood and caught her face in his hands. “No. It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with your safety. If they..if Hux finds out about this then he will stop at nothing to destroy you as a way to destroy me. And I won’t risk you.”

Rey stared up at him, tears in her eyes but she nodded. He leaned down and kissed her. When he bit at her lower lip, she opened her mouth to him and he kissed her completely and Rey could feel the waves of emotion coming off of him. When they finally seperated, they were both panting and Rey wanted nothing more than to do it again.

“Ben!” All she knew is what she felt so she poured that into their Bond, showing him how much she cared the only way she knew how.

Ben gave her a smile, a Solo smile that reminded her of his father.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know.
> 
> I know.
> 
> I'm totally lame but I love it so much.
> 
> I have approximately another 10k words in 3 chapters I am going to try and get posted tonight. Also changing rating to E for upcoming chapters. Also will be posting the Spotify playlist for this fic soon!
> 
> xoxo


	4. But I can't quit you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, un-beta as of 1/9/20 but am impatient.

[ ](https://ibb.co/BztcRSH)

_“Remind me once again why I'm repeating_  
_That we can't be more than friends_  
_I'm just protecting myself from the possibility that you could turn me down_  
_Thinking that I'm better off if I don't make a sound”_

_‘Quit You’ : Lost Kings_

**Ben: Private Quarters upon the Finalizer**

Ben woke and lay in his bunk, staring at the blank ceiling. He knew he should get up, be productive. Instead, he remained where he was. Wrapped loosely around his left hand was the sheer fabric of Rey’s tunic, left behind after the last time he saw her.

More than saw her. He had touched her. Her skin had been like satin under his callused hands. And she had touched him. Delicate little fingers crossed the broad expanse of his chest when she had kissed him.

She had kissed him. He’d been so shocked by her action that he’d barely had time to react before she had pulled away, tucking her body into his. Both of them tangled together. They had ended their time together with sleep. He’d woken alone but not with the fierce ache that followed him everywhere every day after. Was this how his father felt when his mother wasn’t with him? It was like being haunted by a memory.

He hadn’t slept well since. Every night he tossed and turned in a fitful sleep, feeling like something was missing.

No, not something. Someone.

Rey.

He would wake up, reaching for her but she was just outside his reach. But not only was his bed empty, the Force Bond had been silent following that night.

3 days. 3 days of complete quiet, except for the quiet hum that let him know she was alive.

He wondered if this is was what it was like to lose a limb.

“Not quite the same, but I’d imagine it's similar, yes.”

Ben fell off his bed in an undignified heap of long limbs and blankets. When he sat up and pushed the blanket from his head he stared at the man in front of him.

“Hello Ben.”

Ben’s mouth fell open but no sound came out. Instead he thrust out his hand and the black handle of his light saber flew into it.

Luke sat across from him, amusement in his eyes. “That’s one way to greet your Uncle.”

“I..I thought you were dead?”

Luke gave a small shrug. “Us Skywalkers are hard to kill. You, doubly so. Skywalker and Solo in one. Double the trouble.”

Ben noticed his Uncle looked far younger than he could ever remember him looking. “Why…why are you here?”

“Because something…someone has my young Padawan distracted and I feel like you are that distraction.”

Ben was attempting to shift and look less like a child on the floor and he stopped. “What did you say?”

“Ben, I’m your Uncle. I spent most of my life around your father. Do you really think I don’t see what’s going on?”

Ben found himself speechless again.

Luke sighed. “What are you doing? I can tell you don’t believe in this…” he gestured to the room “Anymore. So why are you still here?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s just a nobody scavenger.”

“And you’re a Prince? Oh yes, Supreme Leader. That’s the title.”

“She’s nothing to me.”

“And I’m a Wookiee.”

“I cannot allow myself to be seduced by her…”

“Too late I think.” Luke interrupted. “Look, I know what you were taught. I know you were told to… I know the Jedi code says you cannot have passion or emotion but the damned Code is wrong! You have to have both or there is no balance. I was wrong. We were all wrong. It’s up to you to bring the balance back. You…and Rey. Don’t make the same mistakes of my father Ben. Power will never bring you the kind of completion that she can.”

Ben looked back down at his lap.

Luke smiled. “See ya around kid.” He faded into nothingness.

He groaned and dragged his body from the floor, reaching for the crumpled clothes on the chair where his uncle had been sitting. He had shed them last night after a late meeting with Hux that had left him on edge and gritting his teeth every time that slimy redheaded bastard had said Rey’s name. Ben was certain he had been doing it on purpose. It had taken every bit of control he had not to slam his fist into that smug, impertinent face. Ben had grown to hate Kylo Ren more and more. He only wore his mask when absolutely necessary though he’d be grateful for it last night. He wanted his face free so that if she reached for him she would get Ben and not Kylo Ren. He settled for a black uniform and a scowl, made more fierce because of the scar bisecting his cheek. He rubbed it absently, remembering her touch on it.

He stood and stretched out his large frame feeling the muscles ache, aimlessly wondering why he felt so sore when he had done nothing outside his normal routine the day before. Yawning, he yanked on his pants and a sweater before shoving his feet into his boots. He had no pressing issues this morning and he intended to take every moment as a chance to reach out to Rey. He felt ridiculous but he couldn’t help the urgent need to see her. Muttering to himself darkly, he went into the ‘fresher to attempt to make himself feel human again.

Staring into the mirror as he brushed his teeth, he swore in Huttese. He could practically imagine his mother’s expression at the profanity. He had never told her that he’d learned the best ones from his father. It was one of the few good memories he had of Han. He ran a hand over his unruly black hair and then coughed when he got hit in the face with water. He looked around puzzled and then the confusion increased when the water rolled across his lips.

Salt.

He wiped it away and stared at his hand. Closing his eyes, he reached out across the Bond.

And found himself standing on a rocky beach. The smell of the salt air brought back so many childhood memories that his chest ached for his parents. The better times when they had been a real family. Before it all fell apart when his father ran for the wide openness of space and his mother buried herself in her work leaving their young son torn between them.

Ben didn’t have long to be left in his memories because then he saw her.

Rey, barefoot and laughing, kicking water through the air as she spun and flipped. Tiny rainbows reflecting everywhere as she used the Force to manipulate the air around her.

“Rey?” He hated to disturb her but he also didn’t want to just stand there and stare at her.  
She startled, the water dropping suddenly. Rey wiped the water from her face and then stopped and stared at him.

“Ben.” She licked her lips and he couldn’t help but stare at her. Her hair had come loose from her normal triplet buns, the brunette strands blowing across her face in the sea air. She was wearing simple Jedi training pants and a breast band. Her bare skin shone bronze in the sunlight.

He stared at her while their Force bond ignited in his chest. It seemed to scream at him to get closer, to touch her.

He took a slow step towards her, afraid she would either run or vanish again.

“Are you here?” She asked as she, too, took a step closer.

“I think so..” He tilted his face up to let the sun shine on it, unable to keep his emotions in check. The sun felt incredible after so long in the cold darkness of space. “Feels like I am.”

“Did…I call you?”

He looked back at her, eyes slightly dazzled from the sunlight. “No…this time I came looking for you.”

“Why did it take you so long?”

“What?”

She took another step, decreasing the distance again. “Why did you wait so long to look for me? It’s been three days.”

He stepped. “I did try. I couldn’t get through. I..I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

Step. “I didn’t. At first. But…I missed you. But I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

He was within arms reach of her. “You should know better by now.” He reached for her hands and laced his fingers through his. He ran his thumb over the black fabric still wrapped around her wrist.

She looked down at their joined hands. “I thought…I did something wrong.” She allowed him to pull her closer to him.

“What could you have done wrong?” Ben was incredulous.

She turned her face up to look into his. “When I kissed you.” She blushed scarlet and dropped her eyes again. “I didn’t know if I did it ri…”

Ben cut her off by putting his hands on her face and tilting it up to his. He slid his thumb over her lips. He glanced around and then in one swift movement, swept her into his arms and carried her bridal style over to where the rocky beach gave way to sand. Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and he couldn’t help but think that it was far more pleasant to carry her than the last time. He tried to not think about her being only half dressed in his arms and where it could lead.

Instead, he dropped himself on the ground and turned her to face him, her legs on either side of his waist while she sat on his legs. Her eyes were wide as he settled her and left his hands on her bare waist. His long legs stretched out in front of him as he assessed her. He felt a little dizzy from the scent of sunshine, sea and Rey.

“You did nothing wrong.”

She blushed again, the pink almost hiding the freckles on her nose. “That doesn’t mean I did anything right.”

He sighed and leaned back on his hands. “Rey. If I hadn’t wanted you to do it, do you think I would be here? That we would be here.” He gestured around them.

Rey shifted on his lap instead of answering. Ben swallowed hard trying not to think about the pressure she was putting on him…literally. He put his big hands back on her waist to still her.

“I understand. It’s a lot. No one wants a broken man. No one wants to get involved with…all this” he paused and then gestured again, this time at himself. “I regret nothing you’ve done. Nothing. Because in the end, it always brings me back to you. And you back to me. If I only have this for a heartbeat then I’ll take it. I would rather have happiness for now than never to know it at all.”

Rey stared at him while he spoke, her eyes never leaving his face. She reached up and pushed some of his hair behind his ear. She didn’t know how to respond, didn’t know what words to use.

Ben suddenly tensed. “I can’t stay. I wish I could…but I can’t. If this is discovered…”

“I know. I’m nobody and you’re the Supreme Leader.” Rey said bitterly as she stood.

Ben stood and caught her face in his hands. “No. It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with your safety. If they…if Hux finds out about this then he will stop at nothing to destroy you as a way to destroy me. And I won’t risk you. I’ll come back for you sweetheart. I promise. I will follow you across the stars if I have to.” He traced his thumbs over her cheeks hoping she understood how important she was.

Rey stared up at him, tears in her eyes but she nodded. Ben leaned down and kissed her. She tasted like salt water and sunshine and everything about her that made him want more of her. He nipped at her lower lip and when she opened her mouth to him, he dove deeper, pouring all of his love for her into that kiss. When they finally broke apart, both were breathless.

“Ben!” She pressed her hand to his chest. He knew, in that instant, that Rey loved him as much as he loved her. That their destinies were linked and they were tied beyond the dyad. He wasn’t sure how much she realized yet so he chose not to say anything more.

Ben gave her a smile, the one that always reminded his mother of his father.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have another 6k words (2 chapters) in pre-edit currently. They will be posted tonight or tomorrow morning!  
> also rating change for upcoming chapters!
> 
> xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos- they make writing worth it knowing people are enjoying what you create.
> 
> Come say hi! I'm on Tumblr with the same name and my Force bond beta is DaughterofSteven.


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